How I Found my Feminine Power

How I Found my Feminine Power

At the age of eighteen, I surrendered my best years and sacrificed my artistic dreams to enlist in the United States Air Force. I found a sense of pride knowing that all the sacrifices my mother made would not be in vain. Although grateful for the vast opportunities I’ve received, I do not feel very fortunate. As I think back to the decade I gave to Uncle Sam, I realized that I gave more than just my time. I forfeited my happiness.

While I spent my days performing sophisticated analysis on terrorist organizations and cyber threats, my nights were filled with emotional agony and self-deprecation. I had a great sense of pride in my work ethic, but not with myself. Where there was pride, there was also pain—physical and emotional. Being a woman in a male dominated workforce has its challenges, which at the time, I was ready to face. As a young woman, seeing countries like Japan, Germany and Afghanistan would normally be a dream. But for me, those dreams turned into nightmares.

After surviving numerous sexual assaults, sexual harassments, physical abuse and stalking, my traumatized mind believed that my only contribution to the Air Force mission was my body instead of my mind. Eventually, I felt compelled to use art as an outlet for my emotional burdens; much like I did in high school. To me, art is a language in which I’d be able to vent when words just aren’t enough. Life has pushed and pulled me in so many directions—almost as if the universe was trying to shake me loose until the only path left was towards creativity.

 

While still under contract, I felt my values, voice and strength were challenged daily. I allowed the opinions of others, external validation and money dictated how I spent my precious time on this Earth. Although I was extremely successful in my field, showing up to work in a camouflage uniform everyday became mentally, physically, spiritually and creatively draining. It felt like I was fighting the universe on a daily basis. I felt I was constantly lying to myself and tried to convince myself this was my path because it matured me and I did it so well.

Among the plenty of terrifying experiences I had while I served, I finally reached my breaking point. As I write this blog post, I am going through the process of medical retirement from the military for post-traumatic-stress-disorder, depression and fibromyalgia, among other conditions. I found spirituality and it allowed me the strength I needed to look within myself and regain control over my life.

After feeling like my control was stripped away from me with each assault and military duty, I’m excited to reclaim my life. I look forward to the ability to express myself creativity and continue to use art as a tool for my own healing and the healing of others. I want to spend the rest of my life growing, learning and self-reflecting through creating. While all other treatments have failed, I found solace in creating. Painting has allowed me to find strength and determination through my pain.

While creatively stifled, I found that spirituality helped me tap into my creativity in a way I never experienced before. I believe spirituality not only helped me find my feminine power, it helped me find myself as an artist. Where I once doubted myself and my ability to succeed, my understanding of my feminine divinity helped me realize that I am capable of anything.

There isn't a soul on this planet that is going to keep me from creating or living in my power. I've realized my self worth this past year and I refuse to forget that again.

As I continue to go through this eternal healing, I'd love for you to join me on my creative journey in doing so!

 

xoxo JL